Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
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Ridiculous. He should be in jail
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!