Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”