I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Why am I like this?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation