My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
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Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
God has left this place
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.