FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
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Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week