Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My new favorite headline
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I’m putting together a team
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.