When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
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Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Who called it baking and not making love
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.