Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
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(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af