Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
called in thicc to work this morning
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I remember when yoga was called Twister.