celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
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if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.