Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
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Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
12. I think about this all the damn time
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you