Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I鈥檇 have to be voted in and that wouldn鈥檛 happen.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor鈥檚 cat to operate a motorcycle
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we鈥檙e going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
All I鈥檓 saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
馃檶馃徎馃槀馃槀馃槶馃ぃ
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it鈥檚 targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I鈥檒l have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke鈥檚 on him this year: I haven鈥檛 touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I鈥檝e forgotten my groceries
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My mispronunciation of French words is a touch茅 subject.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don鈥檛 already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.