Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
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Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
A family that plays together cheats.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.