the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
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“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you