If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
New Tinder profile.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.