I need a headline like this
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I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.