Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
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Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”