The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
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Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.