quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
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“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Well, this is awkward
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]