I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
You Might Also Like
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I got bills
They’re multiplying
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
That’s classic.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid