Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
You Might Also Like
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block