Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
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This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I’m about to risk it all
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
some Old Testament wisdom
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?