Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
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Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
No, he would not have.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.