A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
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Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
How all things should be taught/explained.