HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
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COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.