Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
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From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Boating season is upon us.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.