As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
You Might Also Like
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
From my Mom
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.