My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
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Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
This classic never gets old . . .
britain’s three elite institutions
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.