I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
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Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
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Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.