Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
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Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-