Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
You Might Also Like
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team