Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
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For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Fidel Castro was alive?
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this