I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
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Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
nyc:
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone