I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
You Might Also Like
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
How do you like your Corgi?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Me driving through Toronto
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.