I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
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TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
*praying for world peace*
God:
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.