Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.