first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
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Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy