That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
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Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro