If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
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CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…