I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
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Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My neck, my back, my…
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma