Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
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Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Time for evil
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Covid like
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I know karate and tons of other words.