Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
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a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.