What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
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Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?