Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
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*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Meow
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*