It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
You Might Also Like
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.