I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
definitely did not do anything wrong
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.