*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
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[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.