Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
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Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I’m too immature for adultery.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES