My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
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Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet