Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
You Might Also Like
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Basketball games are very squeaky.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.